


i loved and i loved and i lost you (and it hurts like hell)

by darknightskies



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, But no one dies, Don't Be Fooled By The Title, F/F, Major Character Injury, Panic Attacks, Suicide Attempt, and they're both okay and together in the end, choo choo all aboard the angst train, my favourite ladies really can't catch a break in this one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:40:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21926107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darknightskies/pseuds/darknightskies
Summary: lex luthor stabs the superfriends and his sister in the back one last time, leaving lena to think that she has lost kara. thinking it's all her fault, she decides to rid the world of a luthor - herself.
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 9
Kudos: 416





	i loved and i loved and i lost you (and it hurts like hell)

**Author's Note:**

> hey!
> 
> first of all:
> 
> TW!!! - for a suicide attempt via overdose and a panic attack. 
> 
> please do not read this if you think that it might trigger you. i want all of you to stay safe.
> 
> second of all, this is pure angst. it has a happy ending, eventually, though. 
> 
> and lastly, the title is from "hurts like hell" by fleurie.
> 
> i hope you enjoy and i hope everyone has an amazing christmas!

She should have seen it coming. She should have known that Lex had a hidden agenda, because it didn’t make any sense that he would just be helping them like that. That he would be helping a Super, a _Kryptonian_. She was naive and Kara - sunny, bubbly, cheerful Kara - had paid the price.

Lena took another sip of the expensive scotch she was currently nursing, closing her eyes and feeling the burn as she swallowed the amber liquid. She could still see it when she closed her eyes. Kara lying on the ground, writhing in pain as her veins glowed green from the kryptonite bullet that was lodged in her chest. Lex had known Kara’s true weakness, the one thing that would hurt her more than kryptonite, and he had used it to achieve his goal. He had fired the bullet at Lena, knowing that Kara would jump out in front of her. Knowing that Kara would willingly catch the bullet and take the pain that came with it if it meant that Lena was _safe_.

She had only been working with Kara and the DEO to keep the city safe; she and Kara were still fighting. She had refused to listen to anything Kara had to say to her that didn’t concern the mission. She had been a terrible friend, yet Kara had still sacrificed herself to save her.

She had fallen onto her knees next to Kara, whose body was convulsing in pain. Tears stained the blonde’s cheeks and new ones kept falling from her eyes. Lena had pulled the Kryptonian onto her lap and pressed her left hand over the bullet hole in Kara’s chest, trying to stop the bleeding. She hadn’t even noticed that she was crying until a tear rolled off her cheek and onto the crest on Kara’s chest.

Lex had stood watching from a distance, a manic laugh had left his mouth as he took in the situation before him. Anger had boiled up inside Lena and she had turned her head towards her brother, only to look straight into the barrel of the same gun that had shot Kara. Lex had been aiming it at her again. She was next.

“You know, Lena, I had so much hope for you when you came to live with us all those years ago. You were so brilliant and we could’ve achieved so much together. But then you had to go and become friends with her. Friends with a _Kryptonian_.” The features of Lex’ face had shown disgust as he had spat those words at his sister. The brother that Lena had once known was gone, the darkness inside him had taken over and she knew he couldn’t be saved anymore. “You are not a real Luthor, never have been. You don’t deserve the Luthor name and I’ll be glad to rid you of it.”

Lena had closed her eyes in anticipation of what was coming. She had felt completely powerless in that moment, with a convulsing and bleeding Kryptonian in her arms and no way to defend herself against the maniac she always saw as a brother.

A shot had rung out and she was sure that that had been it; she was dead and she hadn’t been able to protect the one person that she still cared about. But then she had heard another shot, followed by a thud from the direction her brother had been standing in. She had opened her eyes and was met with the sight of her brother clutching at his chest, blood pouring from between his fingers. Behind him had been Alex, who still had her gun aimed at Lex. Lena had turned back to Kara, who was fighting to stay conscious.

“Hey Kara, stay with me. You’ve done so well already but I need you to keep fighting a little bit longer, okay? Alex is here now and she will be able to help you. You’re going to be just fine.”

“L-,Lena,” Kara had croaked out, followed by a wet cough, the unmistakable sign of blood seeping into the blonde’s lungs. “I am so sorry for what I have done to you. I should have told you much sooner. You deserved to know and I messed up.” Another cough had escaped her mouth, followed by blood. Kara had seen the fear in the teary emerald orbs that were looking back at her and had tried to comfort Lena in what she felt were her final moments. “I won’t be able to fight the kryptonite much longer, but that’s okay. As long as you are safe, it will have been worth it.”

“No, no, no, Kara you have to keep fighting. We’re going to get you to the DEO, you will be fine.” _You have to be fine_.

“I’m so sorry Lena. Just know that I’ve never meant to hurt you. I could never hurt someone whom I love so much.” Another cough and more blood. “I love you, Lena. I always have.” Kara’s eyes had fallen shut after that and Lena could feel the blonde’s body become heavy in her arms as the rise-and-fall of the Kryptonian’s chest seized.

Lena had let out a piercing, heartbroken howl, followed by sobs that had wrecked her whole body. She had not heard the footsteps that were fast approaching the two and Kara had been taken away from her arms by a group of DEO agents before she had known what was happening. Alex had been barking orders, running alongside the agents holding her sister as they disappeared in the back of a large armoured vehicle. She had been left on the ground, sobbing as she looked at her own shaking and bloodstained hands. Kara was gone and it was her fault.

_It was her fault._

That is what Lena kept telling herself ever since that moment, what she still told herself as she sat in her office chair right now. She moved her glass to her mouth again to take another sip, glad to be feeling _something_ every time the liquor burned its way down her throat. She deserved the burn, deserved the pain. All this time Kara had truly been her friend, the only real friend that she had left, and she had treated her like _that_.

Another sip.

Contrary to what her brother had told her in that moment, she _was_ a Luthor. Only a Luthor would treat someone as kind as Kara the way she did. Her sweet, beautiful Kara who is gone now. Gone because of her.

Lena wanted to take another sip of her scotch, but only now noticed her glass being empty. She stood up on shaky legs and just about managed to make it over to the drinks station at the other side of her office without tripping over her own feet. She abandoned her glass in favour of drinking straight from the bottle and stumbled back to her desk chair, holding the bottle in her right hand.

She took a long sip when she was sat down again, thoughts of how she has messed up everything and how she has lost her best friend, the woman she _loves_ , becoming stronger as she became more and more intoxicated.

She had hurt Kara, the person she cared about most in her life. If she could do that, then that could only mean that it would be a matter of time before she hurt more people. She _was_ a Luthor. She had shown it and there was no going back now. Lena took a deep breath and set the bottle of scotch down on her desk. She wouldn’t let it get that far. That was the least she could do. Kara wouldn’t have wanted to see her go down that path.

The brunette opened the top drawer of her desk and took out two small white boxes, before opening them and depositing their contents on her desk. Four strips of ten sleeping pills each. _That should be enough to rid the world of another Luthor._

_//////////////////_

It had been touch and go for a while, but eventually Alex and her medical team at the DEO had been able to stabilise Kara. Her sister was now peacefully resting under the sun lamps and would make a full recovery. Alex made her way back to the command centre downstairs and joined Brainy and J’onn there.

“Ah Director Danvers, you would be glad to hear that Lex Luthor has been patched up and is safely secured in our high security med bay downstairs,” Brainy informed Alex, as he pointed at the security feed that had been pulled up on the big screen. Alex couldn’t help but smile. Lex Luthor would never be able to hurt them ever again. She would make sure of that.

“Have any of you seen Lena by any chance? I just want to make sure that she is alright.”

“Vasquez told us that she claimed to be fine at the scene and that she just wanted to go home. She answered a few questions about what happened and then her driver picked her up,” J’onn said.

“I’ll go and see how she’s doing then. I’ll keep my comms in, please let me know if anything changes with Kara.” J’onn nodded.

“Will do.”

_//////////////////_

Alex had known Lena long enough to know that there was no way the CEO had gone back to her penthouse. That’s why she had just parked her motorcycle on the pavement in front of the L-Corp building. It was late at night and the building was empty except for a few security guards by the entrance, who easily let her through once she showed them her fake FBI badge. She rode the elevator up to the top floor and walked over to Lena’s office, knocking on the door twice and eventually opened it when there was no answer.

What she saw when she walked in made her blood run cold. Lena was slumped back in her desk chair, her eyes closed. Alex ran over to the brunette’s side and immediately pressed her fingers against Lena’s pulse point. Her heart was still beating, but dangerously slow. She then noticed the boxes, empty blister packs and half-empty bottle of scotch on Lena’s desk.

“Dammit Lena,” she muttered under her breath. “You can’t do this to us, _to_ _Kara_.” Her hand reached up to her comms and turned them on. “J’onn, I need you at L-Corp right now. Lena has taken an overdose.”

_//////////////////_

Kara had just awoken and was talking to J’onn who sat on the chair next to her bed when the call from Alex came in. Kara used her super-hearing to listen in on her sister’s message for J’onn, she couldn’t help it as soon as she saw the Martian’s features turn serious. She was just in time to hear Alex’ last sentence: _Lena has taken an overdose_.

Kara was out of bed and in the air before anyone could stop her, J’onn closely following behind her as she made her way over to the L-Corp building. Panic was raging through her system. Lena had tried to kill herself and she wasn’t there to stop her. _She hadn’t been able to protect her._

Kara felt slightly exhausted when she landed on the balcony of Lena’s office. The sun lamps hadn’t been able to fully recharge her powers yet, but that didn’t matter to her in that moment. Her number one priority was to get Lena to the DEO.

Alex had laid Lena down on the floor and was monitoring her breathing and heart rate when Kara stepped through the office doors, followed by J’onn. She was surprised to see her sister there, especially as she had been shot only hours ago, but she kept quiet about it. This wasn’t just someone, this was _Lena_ , and Alex should’ve known that her sister would risk everything for her.

Kara slowly stepped forward as she took in the scene before her. She could see pill blisters and a bottle of scotch of Lena’s desk, while the woman she loved lay unconscious on the floor, her skin even paler than normal.

“Kara?”

Alex interrupted the chaos of emotions in Kara’s head and the blonde looked down at her sister.

“We need to get her back to the DEO. She’s not in a good state and she really needs medical attention.”

“I can take her. Please, let me take her.”

_//////////////////_

It had been over two hours now since Kara arrived with Lena at the DEO and she had to hand her over to the medical team. J’onn and Alex had been right behind her and her sister had immediately rushed over to the med bay. Kara had dropped to her knees, suddenly feeling incredibly weak, and her hands shot up to her mouth to stop a sob from erupting as her eyes filled with tears.

Alex would later tell her that the flying and emotions that followed caused her to solar flare, but she had no idea of that right now. Her head was going a million miles an hour, trying to think of every reason why Lena would try to kill herself, but she realised that she would never truly know until she could ask Lena herself. And for that she had to live.

_Oh God, she might not live._

A familiar hand on her shoulder caused Kara to lift her head up for just a moment and she was met with the understanding eyes of the man that she saw as a father. J’onn carefully helped the Kryptonian up, before lifting her left arm over his shoulder and supporting most of her weight as he led her upstairs. He had seen Kara getting weaker by the minute and knew that he had to get her back underneath the sun lamps.

Kara had been laying down under the lamps for about half an hour when her sister entered the room. Kara tried to sit up, but found herself too weak to do so. Alex could see the desperation in her sisters’ eyes and walked over to her, putting a hand on her shoulder to push her back down onto the bed again.

“She’s okay, Kara. She’s okay.”

Tears formed in Kara’s eyes and she pulled her sister down for a hug.

“Thank you Alex. Thank you for saving her.”

“It wasn’t easy - she had taken quite a large amount of sleeping pills, plus she had ingested a lot of alcohol - but she’s still here. She’s resting a few rooms down from here and we’re keeping her in a medically induced coma for now so that we can monitor her closely. So please, try and get some rest under the lamps, okay? I will take you to see her in a few hours,” Alex explained once Kara had loosened her grip on her again and she could look her sister in the eyes.

“Okay,” Kara nodded, the first tears breaking free and rolling down her cheeks. “Can you keep me updated?”

Alex smiled at her baby sister, seeing once again in Kara’s eyes how much the brunette CEO meant to her.

“Of course Kar, don’t worry.”

_//////////////////_

Lena awoke to a steadily beeping sound and immediately realised that she had failed. She was a Luthor and she _failed_. Luthor’s don’t fail. She wondered what Lillian would say if she could see her now. She’d probably mock her and tell her that she’s never been a _true Luthor_ , just like Lex had told her in his final moment.

Lena slowly opened her eyes, blinking a few times against the harsh lights in the room. There was an oxygen mask covering her mouth and nose, blocking her view of something heavy that was laying on her right hand. Her left hand moved up to her face to remove the mask, but she’s breathless the moment she lays her eyes on the heavy object. Kara is sitting next to her bed, sound asleep with her head on Lena’s right hand, making it impossible for her to move it.

_No. It can’t be._

_Kara died. She died right there in my arms._

_This isn’t right. I don’t understand this. What is happening?_

Even in her sleep Kara could pick up on how Lena’s heart rate suddenly increased, helped by the quickening beeps of the heart monitor. The blonde opened her eyes, blinked the sleep out of them, and lifted her head towards the brunette, only to find Lena staring at her with wide, panic-filled eyes. The oxygen mask that had been on her face laid in her lap and it seemed as if she was trying to get away from Kara. It became clear to the Kryptonian that Lena was having a panic attack and knew that she needed to try and calm her down, especially since she was still weakened from what had happened.

“Hey, Lena? It’s important that you calm down, okay? Can you try and take a deep breath for me?”

“You-, you are _dead_ ,” Lena gasped, her eyes wide. “You died in my arms. You can’t be real.”

Kara could see that Lena wasn’t breathing properly. She needed to show Lena that she was real to be able to get close to her and help her.

“Lee, can you feel this?” Kara laid her hand on Lena’s leg, slowly rubbing up and down.

Lena slowly nodded. Kara could practically see the gears turning in her friend’s head, trying to make sense of it all.

“You can feel me because I am real, love. Alex got me back to the DEO just in time. She saved me. I am _okay_. Can I help you Lee? We really need to calm you down now.”

Lena nodded once more. She was really gasping for breath right now, her lungs clearly not getting enough oxygen with how little she inhaled. Kara moved onto the bed and positioned herself behind Lena so that she could take the woman into her arms.

“I’m going to put the oxygen mask back on your face, okay? It’ll make it easier for you to breathe,” Kara told Lena as she looked in the brunette’s eyes. Kara picked up the mask as Lena weakly nodded and placed it back over her face. She guided Lena’s head against her chest and took a few deep breaths.

“Can you feel me breathe, Lee? Can you focus on that for me? Try and match my breaths.”

After a while Lena’s breathing returned back to normal and Kara could see how she was struggling to keep her eyes open.

“You look exhausted, why don’t you try and get some sleep?”

“Will you stay with me? _Please_?” Lena sounded so vulnerable, so _small_ , that it broke Kara’s heart.

“Of course, I will.” Kara moved back and lay down on the bed, holding her arms open for Lena. The brunette slowly positioned herself in the blonde’s arms, laying down her head in the space between Kara’s shoulder and neck, careful not to tangle up the line feeding oxygen to her mask. She could feel Kara press a kiss onto her forehead.

“I’ll stay with you as long as you’ll have me.”


End file.
